What Happens When We Make Friends With Our Fears
When we grow up, we are told to be strong; to fight our fears, our nightmares, our doubts; to be confident and ambitious. The admonition we receive is not without consequences. As adults, fear becomes a personal burden not to be shared with others, lest it starts spreading. Founders, makers, and creators in particular are prone to keeping their fears private. Fear does not seem to be compatible with conviction. It must be hidden if one wants to succeed. Fear is not inspiring. It instils doubt. Fear is not the mark of a great leader. It makes us look weak.
By
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Apr 20, 2023
Anne-Laure Le Cunff
Issue 2
Essay

But every leader experiences fear — fear of failure, fear of being judged, fear of rejection. Exploring new frontiers and pushing the boundaries of what is possible is inherently scary. Launching a new startup, designing a new product, exploring a new market — we don’t know what we don’t know, and as educated we want our choices to be, each step is still a step in the dark, a big question mark. For trailblazers, fear is universal.

Fear itself is not bad. In fact, as one of our oldest survival mechanisms, it can even be healthy. It can help avoid reckless decisions, heighten our awareness, and fuel our motivation. Yet, despite its ubiquity and potential usefulness, we don’t talk about fear. As a result, we often get all of its drawbacks without any of its benefits: work is slower because of analysis paralysis, communication is unproductive because we hold back information, innovation is scarce because we avoid taking any risks. In contrast, what would happen if we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and to make friends with our fears? What kind of world could we build if we embraced our doubts and shared them with others? Imagine how much faster, more productive, more innovative — and even more fun — work would be if we managed to accept that vulnerability is compatible with creativity, that doubt is reconcilable with courage, in short: that fear is an inherent part of any groundbreaking enterprise.

Of course, that’s not an easy feat. We are wired to blindly follow our fears, even when they cause unnecessary anxiety. Our need for belonging makes us scared of disappointing others, so we keep to ourselves what we perceive as a weakness. We haven’t been taught how to communicate our fears in a constructive manner. In short, we are ill-equipped to make the most of our fears. But there is a simple framework we can apply to welcome our fears and even take advantage of them.

First, we need to FEEL our fear. Our body has three natural reactions to danger: fighting, fleeing, or freezing. Our stress response to a perceived threat has an immediate physiological impact. Our heart beats faster, our breathing speeds up, our blood thickens, our skin produces more sweat. Instead of ignoring these signs, we should connect with our inner feelings and notice their intensity. Accepting our emotions without judging ourselves is the first step towards courageous vulnerability. A mindfulness practice such as meditation or breath- work can help feel our fear without experiencing additional anxiety.

The next step is to EXAMINE the source of our fear. Ambitious leaders have plenty of reasons to be afraid. A creative may be worried about a launch because the deadline is too tight. A founder may have doubts about the feasibility of a project because there is not enough funding. A maker may be experiencing self-doubt because of lack of technical know-how to implement a specific feature. To pin-point the exact nature of the challenge requires self-awareness and a willingness to truly understand ourselves. Creating a mind map — a free-flow visual diagram — around a specific fear is a great way to practically face our fears while fostering personal growth. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

Once we know how we feel and why we feel this way, we should be ready to ARTICULATE our needs. This step may be the hardest, as it warrants radical vulnerability: to share our fears with the people that matter and to openly ask for help. Whether it is extra support on a work project, coaching for public speak- ing, mentorship to navigate a tricky situation, the source of our fear can often be managed. Not knowing exactly what to do is fine as well: our need may be to brainstorm solutions to deal with our fear.

Finally, it is crucial to REFLECT on our experience. How can we recognize our fear quicker in the future? How safe did our support network feel when we shared our fear? Did our plan of action help alleviate the fear? Everyone is differ- ent, and so are our responses to fear and our coping mechanisms. Journaling is a simple, effective tool for self-reflection that can be used to look back and better make sense of our journey.

Making friends with our fears means to both explore our inner world and open up to others; to be vulnerable in the face of distress; to build collective resilience by being the first one to share our worries. As a leader, creating a space for these conversations is a powerful way to foster psychological safety. In psychologically safe teams, people feel accepted, secure, respected, and able to work without the fear of negative consequences. Psychological safety encourages people to learn, reflect, and grow together through challenges. It’s a propeller for innovation; a propeller that requires vulnerability as fuel for the turbine to work.

In her book Rising Strong, Brené Brown writes: “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” Beautiful things can happen when, instead of turning away from our fears, we courageously face them. Such courage can be built by feeling our emotions, examining the source of our fears, articulating our needs, and reflecting on the experience. It’s not easy: the process of making friends with our fears itself requires resolve and effort. But it’s worth it, so we can build a safer, more courageous world, where boldness is encouraged and vulnerability is celebrated.

This content was originally published in PRESENT
Issue 2

Anne-Laure is the founder of Ness Labs and a PhD researcher investigating the Neuroscience of Education at King's College London. You can follow her on Twitter.

I met Dennis back in Cologne through Hermes Villena, Béla Pablo Janssen and the rest of the ComeTogether gang we used to run. Good times. I collaborated with Dennis many times before and it was a no-brainer to have him on board!
I was always fascinated by his mix of professions and passions, notably writing (fantastic) poetry and travel books and being a Jiu-Jitsu fighter and teacher. Also, shout-out’s to Sergio for the great layout!